about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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