Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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