I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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