Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
