You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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