I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
