Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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