Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
