Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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