I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
