He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
