thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
