Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
