I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
