I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
