i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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