Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
