Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
