I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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