this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
