I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
