um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
