The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize