TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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