Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
