I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
