I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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