so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
