Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
