How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Couch. On fire.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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