I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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