My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
