Your face is a jimmy john
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
