I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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