what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
