I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
