You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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