I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
