We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
