whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
