So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
