hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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