Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
