im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I need moral support for this bender
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
