Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I cut my penus on the lid.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
