My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
