i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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