Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
