She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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