Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
