I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
