I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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