I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
