Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
