If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
