My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
